oneupmanship

I have been doing some intense work lately. This is not it. This is just something that bugs me.
Oneupmanship in spiritual practice.
This is waht it sounds like and sometimes what is actually said:
My work is deeper than yours.
My coven is better, stronger, darker, etc. than yours.
We're more connected; on a deeper level.
My work is too mysterious to explain.
My work must be better because it comes with an insanity warning label. Yours only suggests that you get professional help if you need it. (Well, what's more sane? Addressing the problem or letting the insane person dive deeper into insanity...cause if you're really insane you won't be the first one to say so.)

My issue is that ALL the work we do is as deep as we let it be. We have more control over this than some would like to think. But, then they are the ones looking for the *magic pill*. There ain't no magic pill. *It works if you work it.* Regardless. If your not able to do the work some part of you will resist it...until you are able. It's not about a name. And if you're bragging about how *deep* your work is...well you've raised my suspions right there. When my work is at it's deepest I'm at my quietest. I'm not running around telling people how deep my work is. I'm just BEING in awe of the Goddess, the forces of the universe, and how it all works together.

Rant over. I feel better now. This has been brewing for a long time.

Eulogy

Missie, my little dog died today. She was going for a few weeks. The vet could not find anything wrong with her. But she quit eating and drinking...despite my best efforts to tempt her. She quit moving. She spent her days and nights curled on her little bed. She was named Mischief but called Missie. She was a BAD puppy, but she grew into a GREAT dog. She had more courage than dogs four times her size. She was sweet and fiesty and neurotic and a ball of energy. I loved her.

How I Came To Be Reclaiming or Liberation Psychotherapy in Action

This came up, for me, at least, last night at coffee. I got derailed because I said something about not looking for change or transition. And that's partly true. I wasn't *looking* to *change* so much as I was looking for that elusive *spiritual experience* or *spiritual awakening*. I HAD to have a spirituality that worked for my program to keep working...so in a way I was reaching for change, transformation or looking for the spirituality that would allow the transforming which had already begun to continue. BUT, I had come FINALLY to a place where I wasn't looking for a *fix* for things I hated about me. I liked me, which IMO allowed me to find that which I was looking for.
My search was long and very interesting (it actually began at the age of 12 got off track for a few years and...) I already knew what I didn't want because I had tried that. I found that some brands of Christianity didn't work with the 12 steps (for me anyway). Or, they tried to Christianize them so as not to upset the applecart of their own beliefs. BECAUSE, if the 12 steps work while one's Higher Power is human or an inamimate object, then, that says something scary about this whole thing that many Christians of my acquaintance can't accept.
Not being a sheep was big in my childhood home. And I was taught to look, read, and gather information, with a critcal eye. THINK and come to my own conclusions. This got me into trouble with every variety of established religion of which I have experience.
On my circuitous quest for a spirituality that works I tried every variety of established faith of which I knew. But, I never found the peace and serenity within them that was a part of what I was searching for. I didn't find it - not because it wasn't there - but because it must come from within. I found it when I abandoned my quest and turned within. Granted, that sounds like a dangerous situation. But it didn't FEEL dangerous. Ot felt freeing. I wasn't searching for some elusive *thing* anymore. Some quality or feeling that everyone but me could find. I reached a place where I was able to be with me, in the place where I was, and go on from there. That's when things really began to change. I found books like The Spiral Dance and Drawing Down the Moon while casually browsing library and bookstore shelves. I hadn't stopped practising SOME form of spirituality, understand. I had just stopped my quest and stopped fighting. The form of spirituality that I needed would grow from where I was.
It must have looked vey chaotic from the outside - formless. And I had very little ability to explain in words what I was doing. It was a spirituality of doing, not saying. But I had one guiding principle: If this (these) actions/practises bring me peace then I will keep them. If not, I will discard them. That was/is the foundation stone upon which I built.
Don't think for a moment that my spirituality brings only peace and serenity. I had already reached an understanding that these are the rewards for walking through the fore. I have also learned that this is an action realted to humility. Humility allows me to reach for the changes/tansformations which will lead to peace and serenity before sagnation/denial leads to some crisis. And then, the cycle begins again...or you're dead and a different cycle begins.

workings

So, here I am in the blog that few read...that's a good thing because I can just say what ai need to say and not too many people will tell me about it.
I've been very busy lately. Not so you would notice...not in a running around kind of way. I've been busy in an inside kind of way. Doing my work, so to speak. Working my program and all. It became painfully apparent lately, that I needed to do that. Not that I thought I wasn't, but I was missing a few pieces of the puzzle. Pieces that made things fit. Like, I had slipped back into some nasty codependent behaviour patterns and they were making me nuts for months but, I only just figured out what the hell was going on. I thought it was them, not me. So silly. I forgot that the only person I can change is me. I let all the chaos back into my life. It had been so long, years and years, that I forgot what it looked like. I forgot how to say no and not give excuses or feel guilty. I remember now. I felt really stupid for forgetting these things. But, then, the people I let catch me up in the chaos don't know any other way. And the first few times, were times I thought were really things I needed to do. For me and for them. And then, it fell apart and I fell head long into the chaos and craziness.
I'm back and I'm okay. Tonight, one of the main characters in the craziness said, *I have bad news for our group!* The look on his face was serious! So, we asked, *What?* He said, *Our barista is leaving!*
Okay, so she's a good barista. But, let's face it, it's a deadend job. So, she's leaving. She's a barista. She's not the only one and she's training replacements. Not a big deal. We told him so. He was crushed. And pissed. Oh, well. Yep. I'm back. I'm a mean old bitch and I practise my ways. Usually, I enjoy it too. I have to be careful because I can enjoy it a little too much. I forget to be compassionate as well as a mean old bitch. No blood, no bandaid.

And then there was the first meeting of the book study that started tonight. Since many of the people are new, it was decided that we would study The Spiral Dance. Give them a nice solid start. It gave me a good dose of frustration. Yep, I was pissed at most of them. They either didn't read the first chapter, couldn't comprehend what they read or had no opinion on it. Or, all of the above. Everyone had the book. Everyone professes to being able to read. I have *book talks* with 5 year olds! Granted, there aren't any pictures to stimulate conversation, but, I was hoping we wouldn't need them. It was frustrating because some peoplewanted to discuss the book and others were having their won converstaions and they kept moving in and out of the conversation. No staying on track. I really didn't want to set this up as a leader/class situation. I wanted it to be more informal. Does that have to mean chaotic? We'll see how it goes but, I think we may need to rethink this or talk about behaviour. Cause they all said they wanted to do this and the folks who didn't own the book bought it...even though they didn't read it. So...do they? Cause it only works if we read the book before we try to talk about it.